Porn V Conscious Sex
Today many women and men don’t know what ‘normal sex’ or ‘making love’ looks like let alone feels like since our society has become so drenched in porn. Amid its effects porn creates a distorted reality of sex, including a distortion of female genitalia. It can also puts false expectations on the body and performance levels of both women and men.
This is why talking about ‘the art of making love’, foreplay, of consent and ‘permission to enter a yoni’, of sensuality, reverence or worshipping your partner from the bedroom to touching every part of their being inside and out is like speaking a foreign language.
Hence I am passionate about teaching and leading a Tantric life; the weaving together sensuality and sexuality with spirituality or consciousness. Knowing there is more to ‘sex’ than just a quick climax with the lights off and falling asleep, Tantra is a lifestyle that can open you up to the most profound intimacy and love you have ever experienced. It’s the polar opposite of the disconnection that is pornography.
The Truth On Porn
Porn Isn’t Real
Porn is a fabrication, a fantasy, which skews your reality of ‘normal sex’ and can cause numerous relationship and personal issues including but not limited to;
Arguing and fighting
Breakdowns from feelings of inadequacy
Cheating
Breakups
Fuelling of a continual hunger for something that doesn’t exist
Addiction
Negative effects on one’s energetic, emotional and physical being and thus spiritual and sexual wellbeing.
The Void Remains
Porn never fills you up. No matter how much there is still a deep hunger for ‘something’ that remains unsatisfied within you. This is often a factor with porn addiction; when viewing occasionally becomes necessity and the type of porn often goes from soft to extreme as the viewer chases the same rush they first got. Even if you are not addicted, pornography or erotica is a default stimulant that is accessible immediately and easier than creating intimacy. While it may present as the quick and easy ‘high’ the void remains.
Is Porn A Drug?
This rush is not dissimilar to that of drugs. In fact I would say porn is a drug. It can lift you up on a stimulation fantasy high and once it ends or you go too long without it you feel low; hungry, craving and hunting for the next hit. Why is this? Because there is no heart involved.
No Heart In Porn
Porn has no heart connection. Void of love on every level, pornography also cancels out sensual stimulation – stimulation of all the senses. Instead it is an animal instinct, primal natured, lower chakra/energy centre based act which never goes beyond this area. The issue with constantly stimulating this area of the body on a physical level means you are also repeatedly stimulating the emotional and energetic levels of the ‘root’ chakra. This leads to over stimulation; addiction, sexual issues & stagnation (blockages), disconnection of love from sex, disconnection from a partner being a soul and not just a ‘hole’ or a warm body to masturbate inside etc. This may sound cold or off putting but ask yourself; have I been in that mode or have I been with someone in that mode during a sexual encounter?
Being stuck energetically, emotionally and physically in the lower part of your body by having unconscious, porn inspired sex, means not only is your heart cut off from the rest of your body, (including your creativity), but so too is your personal power suppressed, your personality in it’s true nature and also your self expression is suppressed. Ultimately your ability to merge with your partner and thus your connection with oneness or Divinity is not ever going to happen.
*This also goes for couples who do not connect during lovemaking – by literally not allowing their hearts and eyes (third eye / ajna included) to touch / meet / connect during lovemaking. Doggy style has it’s place but this position along with other dominating sexual positions disconnects the flow of energy and thus love from circulating between the couple. By all means mix it up, play, explore, take your Shakti Goddess from behind if you both enjoy it, but be sure to weave in eye gazing, and heart to heart contact too – such as woman on top, missionary or woman sitting on the lap legs wrapped around (Yab Yum / or ‘Clip on Koala’ as I like to call it).
**Porn is also used as escapism; from feeling a lack of power / sexual prowess / creativity / joy / fulfilment etc in life. If this speaks to you seeking guidance and support to clear the stagnation around those life areas will thus assist in letting go of porn, porn inspired sex, or disconnected sex.
You may want to check in and ask yourself:
How conscious is my/our love making?
Are our hearts connecting?
Are our eyes connecting?
Can I feel my beloved?
Can my beloved feel me?
Yab Yum / Stella’s ‘Clip on Koala’
The Art of Lovemaking
Conscious sex leads to LOVE making. Learning the art of lovemaking, of intimacy and connection with your partner beyond diving direct into genital stimulation is so empowering personally and in a couple. When my clients realise this, learn and practice this they express there is no longer a desire for porn as it doesn’t satisfy like love does.
Gift Presence
Being conscious means being present, totally and utterly in the moment; with yourself if it is self pleasure or with your beloved if you are enjoying together. You are not distracted, thinking about the ‘to do’ list from the day, neither are you worrying about how your body looks in the light or if some part of you is big enough or small enough. None of these ‘personality’ driven thoughts are given any attention. Instead, that mind power is channelled into presence and thus love for your beloved. As you let go of everything else you loosen, you relax, you soften and open to melt into them and the moment. Being fully in the here and now on a regular basis with yourself first and foremost through practices such as meditation, yoga, floating and mindfulness allows you to better drop into the moment and be present with your beloved as well. Gifting presence is a priceless gift of love to your beloved which in turn is also a gift to your relationship and yourself.
Get Intimate
When you are present you are really being with the other person and this is when the intimacy builds. Intimacy also depends on how honest you are with yourself and your beloved. You can not lie to yourself and you can not lie to a beloved if you want to get intimate. Your innate desire for intimacy is your desire to know and experience yourself deeply and to be truly known by your beloved.
4 simple ways to build intimacy before you get to the bedroom
Share Ideas – Be open minded, listen and share; perhaps it’s planning a holiday, booking a restaurant, or creating something together from a meal to a business launch.
Share Emotions – Without projection – Own how you’re feeling – share your emotions in a loving manner. This opens your heart to your beloved and brings you closer.
Have a Snuggle – Snuggling and hugging is endorphin raising. Holding someone and/or being held allows your body to slow down enough to connect deeper; to feel the others warmth, their energy merge with yours and welcome them into your personal space. This can be as intimate as you allow.
Touch to Feel – Conscious touch means being present while you are touching to deeply feel the other person can be extremely intimate. This transforms the stroke of an arm or cheek to a sensual interaction. Building upon this with touch after touch can awaken the fire between you both.
4 simple steps to spark Conscious Sex / Lovemaking
Set the scene – Candles, music, incense, dim lights, some champagne, ice cubes, strawberries, a blind fold, mirrors, warming or cooling of the room. Use your imagination it can be as simple as one candles by your bed or turning your space into a sacred temple of love worship.
Eye gazing – Eyes are the windows to the soul and are the powerhouse of sparking intimacy and fuelling passion. Try; sit knee to knee, women on top, stand naked across the room from each other, or in front of a mirror if you are alone and look deeply into the eyes of yourself or your beloved. In them you will see yourself, you can see love, oneness, unity, Divinity. What else can you see? What do you feel? Where in your body do you feel it?
Sensual touch – Where on your body or your partners body do you love to touch, explore, be licked, kissed, tasted, tickled, pinched, massaged? Go to other areas besides the breasts or genitals, make them hungry, wet, begging, desiring, excited, turned on, juicy for more before you go near the genitals.
Body Worship – This is the time to slow dance your way around the body temple, yes, slow. Slow it right down. Once you do make it to breast, yoni or lingam touch, take your time. This should be a dance or enticing erotica. THIS foreplay is lovemaking, it is being present in the heat of the moment, in the HEART of the moment.
The key distinction is that conscious lovemaking goes beyond the physical, you are penetrating each others hearts and souls as well. A conscious lover tunes into their beloveds movements, the flush of their skin, their breath and heart rate increasing, the little quivers or moans. They tune into the energy of their beloved and respond with passion and love.
For some there is a healthy curiosity, a desire to experiment, mix things up and/or explore porn but once that has been achieved and the art of LOVE making, of conscious sex has been learned and practiced the distinction between the two is so vast it is like your eyes opening for the first time and you can not close them and shy away from what you have seen (felt, tasted…) ever again. This is the power of conscious sex, this is the power of making LOVE through opening to being Divine LOVE.
If this calls to you and you would like to explore how you and/or your beloved can awaken to this way of life please connect with me HERE.
Let’s make every connection of conscious love!
With Love, Elise / S*M
P.S Tune in HERE or below to hear my full interview on Hit92.9! Talking Conscious Sex